I have a confession to make: unexpected visitors terrify me. There are issues from the past that have fed this fear, and I don't wish to discuss those issues at this point in time (or probably ever). But I do want to be honest about the issue of being afraid of knocks on the door, because I believe that my failure to answer the door is a sin. I believe that part of being like Messiah is to be hospitable. Although I believe that He understands my reasons for not answering the door, I also know that this isn't what He would have for me.
I don't blame God for my fears. Most of the things that have happened to me have been my own fault. Some of them have been authored by others, and some of those others I believe have been under Satan's influence. I don't have to accept this as part of who I am, but it is something that is going to take time to work through. I know that my Abba is willing to work with me until I can get past these issues, and I know that He has some patience with me (or at least I believe He does). On the other hand, I'm just tired of living this way.
Today there was a knock on the door. It's not been my best day. The first half of the day was quite peaceful, but later on the little one decided that it was time to start shouting and screaming about how "mad" she is (the end result of watching Ni Hao Kai-Lan). It isn't so much that I have been impatient with her as that I have had things to do, and the noise levels are making it difficult for me to concentrate. I also have to worry about her getting into things, since she has been a real livewire today.
So my tension levels were already high when there was a friendly knock at the door. Figuring that it was a friend of ours, I looked out the window to see if his car was out there. It wasn't, nor was there any other vehicle, which struck me as incredibly odd. Just as I was about to scoop my daughter up and move her screaming away from the door, she called out "Daddy!" At the same moment, the person at the door tried the knob (which was horrifically unlocked! Given that part of the root of my fears if from robbery, this was really brutal!). When the person at the door heard my daughter call out for her father, the screen door slammed and they were gone. That was over an hour ago and nobody has returned. There is no evidence that anyone was here. No notes on the door from UPS or any other company, no phone calls or e-mails from friends. This tells me that not only was the visitor unexpected, but unwelcome as well.
I don't like this. My stomach is churning, and the fear is irrational, but it is there. I wish that there was something I could do about this immediately, so that the feeling would go away. I've tried several things already, and the house is never clean enough for me to feel comfortable, or my daughter has stripped off all of her clothes, or I'm in the middle of doing something or the worst case scenario is just flashing through my mind at the time that the knock happens.
It has been a stressful day because of this. I just want this to stop and to go away. If you pray, please take a moment to pray for me.
Current Goal: My current goal is to learn to organize both my home and my time. At this point I must also confess that some mental organization would be beneficial as well, so that I can let go of some of these irrational fears.
Secondary Goal: I am trying to beat food addiction and lose weight. It has been an uphill battle, but I know that with YHVH's help I can do it!
Today's Habit: Today, as every day, I got dressed to lace up shoes. My sink isn't shining though :(
Reading: I'm in Chapter 2 of The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle.
Bible Reading: I am pacing myself through Genesis and picking at Proverbs.
Memorizing: I am working on memorizing Proverbs 31:10-31 at the moment. For this week/day it is Proverbs 31:10-12.
Praying for: I am praying for my husband's work. For more information see The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. I am also praying for calm.
Grateful for: I am incredibly grateful for YHVH's forgiveness. Here I am dealing with this terrible fear, and the result of the fear is sin, and I know that He is willing to forgive me if I repent, and help me to move forward for the best.