Clearly it has been a long time since I wrote here. I have never been particularly good at blogging about faith, because I am constantly questioning whether or not what I believe or do is "good enough." I read so many faith blogs (and don't comment) that make me feel as though other believers are so much further ahead of me on the path to righteousness that I just become discouraged. So very much of this faith journey is being taken alone while we continue to seek a church home, and I often feel as though I am struggling with the very basics of serving YHVH.
There has been a lot of emotion running through me lately. I started college and then became so frustrated with the program that I chose that I decided to transfer. The transfer has become iffy, at best, because of complications with financial aid. It is going to very likely be spring semester before I can get started. The stress has sent me over the edge into what I feel is the beginning of a depression. I have been fighting the urge to simply succumb, but what I have not been doing is identifying my emotions as they relate to the current circumstances.
In this exact moment, I am angry. Anger is not an emotion with which I deal well, and it took me several moments to realize that my anger was in no way righteous, and that I had to let it go. I am still struggling with that, as I feel stepped on, shut down and shut out. I feel marginalized and as though I am a nuisance. I feel as though I keep bothering people with my problems and that they would prefer that I simply go away.
I realize that this is coming from the voice in my head and not some external place. It is very likely an attack from Satan that is trying to make me stray from the prayerful path that I have been on for the past several days. This internal voice is not helping me to love myself, others or YHVH. It is destructive to everything that I hold dear, and I know that the best thing that I can do is to renounce it. So why is it so hard to let go of that anger and bitterness that is holding me back?
I believe that Yah wants for me to be happy. He wants for me to continue in the way that I have been, loving others and holding tightly to Him. I need Him so desperately right now, and it is true that I have felt the Ruach Hakodesh surrounding me lately. Satan is simply trying to break that barrier of protection that I have been given to keep him out. I must let YHVH work in my life and I must cling to him in all things.
In the meantime, I need to continue to work on identifying the emotions before they consume me. I have been arguing quite a bit with my husband lately and the emotions have been getting the better of me. Several factors are standing in the way of me living just a simple, normal life with my family, and I need to jump over those hurdles (or better yet, ask Yah to lift me over them).
I will probably be talking a lot about emotions for a while. There is a lot that needs to be said, and I may need help in identifying where I am, why I am there, and how to move forward. Thanks for listening.